Sunday, June 28, 2009

Comfort Fit, My Rear!

Don't get me wrong. You all must know that I love being pregnant. I mean my original goal was to have 19 children, because 20 might be over the top. But that doesn't stop me from suffering pregnancy symptoms or from whining just a little. While my epidural-free birth wasn't as painful as I imagined it could have been, I won't pretend it didn't hurt.

So onto to a slightly-amused-at-my-own-predicament style rant about maternity clothes. Last time, my maternity clothes rant was because I couldn't find any pants with pockets. Now there are pockets everywhere but I can't stand the comfort fit waist.

Comfort fit, my rear. And I mean that. The problem is my rear. I have a flat butt. Well, no butt really.

And this is not a form of bragging. I know there are lots of women out there who have the opposite problem. I understand these things as I'm quite ample in the breast department and basically am never, ever able to wear a shirt that buttons in the front. I lost 80 pounds and retained G cups. So don't hate me for my non-existent derriere.

I also realize women who are heavy-chested sometimes wish they had less and women who are small-breasted sometimes wish they had more. Women who have curly hair can wish it was straight and vice versa.

But this time it has nothing to do with vanity, other than my not wanting to be naked in public. The enthusiastic sales woman at Motherhood Maternity said this new style was wonderful because there were no seams to rub or annoy anywhere around the entire waist of these miracle pants. I hadn't remembered being rubbed the wrong way by the seams in my pants before, but hey, I'm always up for anything that promotes more comfort. (Except epidurals, I suppose...)

The first issue, though minor in comparison to my main complaint is related to thermodynamics. (I don't know if that word applies here, but I'm going with it anyway.) All that extra fabric has to go somewhere. I can either roll it down and have one of those bulging, digging rolls similar to what happens after an entire day of control top panty hose, or I can stretch out the miles of miraculously expansive material to just under my breasts. Everyday of this very hot summer, due to the "comfort fit", I wear at least two layers of clothing over my already incubating belly. I didn't need the help maintaining my core body temperature, really.

The other more important issue involves my butt. Apparently I will not stretch that tube sock-like band out enough to hold these things up until I'm roughly nine months pregnant. Every few minutes, I have to hike them up because the crotch ends up somewhere close to my knees and I have trouble walking.

Remember that scene from Mary Poppins where Dick Van Dyke stretches his white pants down to his knees and dances with the cartoon penguins? Yeah, that's me. I know I will eventually waddle. It's bad enough I'm showing this soon, let's not have a wardrobe malfunction related waddle in the first trimester. I'd prefer a little dignity, please.

The tails of my shirts ride up in the back whilst the pants ride down and I end up showing that not-so-comfy-or-fitting-waistband off like I'm a gansta poser. My toddler uses my baggy butt fabric as a handle. I need help!

Anyone else feel my pain? Any companies making maternity clothes with a simple belly panel like they used to? Oh, and it wouldn't hurt if they came with pockets.

The shirts are cute though. You win some, you lose some.

3 comments:

Angela (HsvScrapGirl) said...

LOL!
Go check out JC Penney's or Sears. They had "normal" maternity clothes when I was preggo. There is also the make it yourself option.

Carissa said...

I, of course, would love to share some of my ample rear-side with you. Too bad we can't work out an arrangement!

see you soon!!

Mary said...

um, yes. I have to hike mine up every time I stand up or have been walking for awhile. I love the fit, quite comfy, but don't like hiking them. oh well...they're still more comfy than the thick waistband kind
Mary aka merrywearer on TBW